A while back, I pulled up to my apartment at 7:30 AM after a night of petsitting. As I turned the corner, I was stopped short by a bouquet of flowers resting in front of my door. Pink roses, lilies, and baby’s breath sat wrapped in a plastic florist’s sleeve and nestled in the corner of… a Gain detergent box. I stood there blinking. While the detergent box was puzzling, it was the bouquet itself that was really throwing me for a loop, as their presence made no sense in my world as I knew it. I nudged it with my foot and nothing blew up, so I warily bent over and looked for a card.

Clearly they were for Leisel, as she was the one with a man. But then again, she and her boyfriend were out of town, so that didn’t make any sense. Poking through the plastic and petals I found nothing but a few tiny ants and some tips for caring for the flowers. The detergent box also offered no clues. I finally picked up the bouquet and walked inside. As I pulled out a vase and trimmed down the stems, I continued to look for a hint as to who they were meant for and who they were from. Nothing.

I couldn’t help smiling a little at such a fun mystery; obviously if they weren’t for Leisel, that only left the logic that they were for me. My smile slowly turned down into a frown, though, as I began to run through a list possible flower-givers. There was no list. The harder I thought, the fewer people I could think of who would bother to leave me flowers. I sent Leisel a confused text. Did she… uh… send me flowers? Because I’m such a wonderful roomie? The answer was no (thanks for nothing, Leisel). And just like that, half of my list of likely admirers was gone. If that doesn’t make you itch for a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, I don’t know what will.

I made one awkward text to the only single guy friend I could think of who knows where I live. I could so little comprehend him sending me flowers that I cloaked it in a rather vague “Did you try to stop by last night?” When he responded in the negative and wondered why I asked, I panicked and lamely responded  “I just had a sense someone stopped by.” I don’t know, because I’m clairvoyant, obviously.

After much discussion and wracking of brains, Leisel and I agreed that the only logical answer was that the bouquet had been placed at the door in error. Either that or it was a creepy offering from a stalker, but for the sake of soundness of mind, we leaned toward “error.” A few doors down, perhaps, there was a girl who did not get her offering of lilies and roses. Instead they sat happily on my kitchen counter perfuming the air and silently mocking me. Eventually I tossed them because their perkiness started to irritate me. It felt real good.

Not receiving flowers is no big deal because it’s not something anyone wakes up expecting. Receiving flowers unexpectedly, on the other hand, is a wonderful surprise. However in case you were wondering, receiving flowers and realizing there is no way on God’s green earth they could possibly be for you? Stinks.

JUST SO YOU KNOW.

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