Dear Jerome,

I know how it is, leaving your name and personal information at a church. Really, I do. Before you know it, you’re getting courtesy calls, pamphlets in the mail, banana bread at your doorstep (the banana bread part isn’t that bad). Although I know those church committees mean well, bless them, it can be a tad overwhelming. Truly, I understand. That being said, you should know the Ebenezer Baptizing Committee wants you. And I mean wants you bad. The only problem is, you’ve seem to have given them the wrong number. My number. Don’t feel too badly, it happens a lot.

Now, if my history classes serve me correctly, we’re talking about the Ebenezer Church–the church where Martin Luther King, Jr. himself preached more than a sermon or two. Pretty inspiring stuff. So I don’t really know what to think– it’s easy to assume you got carried away with the Holy Spirit and simply wrote your number down wrong. Or, like so many before you, you’ve learned not to give a church committee your personal information if you have no intention of sticking around. Astute guy, you are. Either way, I understand. But still, the ladies at the Ebenezer Baptizing Committee are made of stern stuff when it comes to saving souls, and it seems yours is next on the list. Unfortunately, my clearly stated name on my voicemail has done little to discourage their calls.

Giving you the benefit of the doubt, congrats on your salvation (or at least showing up in church one Sunday). It does the soul good, it’s true. Just in the future, when you’re in a fiery, holy passion and find the need to sign up for baptism, get the digits right. Your digits. The fine ladies of Ebenezer Church and I all thank you.

Best of luck on your new lease on life,
Not Jerome