So I’m having a minor surgery in about a week and a few days ago a nurse called and gave me some guidelines between now and surgery:
1) Drink water because healthy tissue looooves some h20.
2) Do not drink herbal tea
3) Do not take anything but Tylenol
And I’m all like, two of those seem odd to me, but okay. I can follow me some rules with the best of them.
But now I am sitting here in bed and my left eye itches and I’m a sneezing, snotty, sniffly mess. My nose is hot, my throat is scratchy, and while I’m pretty sure a Claritin would put me to rights, I am sitting here in bed wallowing in my misery because the doctor told me nothing but Tylenol products. And I don’t know what that means. Does that mean there is some massive difference between some Tylenol cold & sinus product and the generic Claritin sitting in my medicine cabinet? Does that mean if I ingest non-Tylenol products, when I go under anesthesia something will go horribly wrong and I will DIE?? I don’t know. Nobody explained to me. Could be.
So nose, you just drip away like a leaky faucet. You just go ahead. And I will wipe you, you red, sore, ill-treated thing, with Quilted Northern toilet paper rather than that soft, fluffy stuff the whimsical clay people with red noses use on tv — because guess what, I don’t own a box of tissues, either.
That’s right, body. I don’t own Tylenol products and I don’t have soothing tissues. I might as well just throw you in front of a train for all the help I am to the current predicament. But you can suffer nobly with the knowledge that come next week, when creepy people in masks are injecting me with anesthesia, there will be no need for concern about what I’m assuming must be horrible chemical reactions from traces of non-Tylenol products or herbal tea lingering in my body. “SHOOT ME UP,” I can tell them, “BECAUSE I FOLLOWED THE RULES!”