Dear Crystal,

Far be it from me to discourage you from shamelessly flirting with strangers and then giving them a fake phone number. Really, I get it. However, in the future please refrain from giving out my number. It’s a little awkward, you know? An unknown man calls hoping for a late night booty call with a doubtlessly natural beauty like yourself, and to his immense disappointment and confusion he gets stuck with my answering the phone. Me, a decidedly unCrystal type I’m sure, who is already in bed on a Friday night, no less. And when I inform him no one on my end of the line answers to that classic name, it’s a little pathetic to hear his formerly good natured, hopeful voice turn down a few notches when he says, “But….she said I could reach her at this number…” Really, it’s sad. 

So best of luck trolling for men and stomping on hillbilly hearts. Just leave me out of it. 

not Crystal